I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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