you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
