Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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