Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
