we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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