Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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