It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
