haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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