apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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