Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
