My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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