i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
