I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
