K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
