Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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