My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
