Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I want you more than these girls want KFC
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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