i love accidental penises.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
