Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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