He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He uses pillows to masturbate.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
