Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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