Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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