I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
