I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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