It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
