i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
