i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
