Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
