I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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