it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
