it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
