I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
too bad you live with your parents still
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
