and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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