I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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