btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
