Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
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