tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
