Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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