just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
