My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
