$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
