Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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