Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
