you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
