I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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