remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
