if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
