Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
