Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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