Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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