I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
