Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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