I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
