Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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